Have you ever gone to the bathroom at work and realized your put your underwear on inside out or in some other way that is nontraditional? (I do this with alarming frequency.) That kind of sucks, and makes you feel like you're too stupid to even PUT UNDERWEAR ON CORRECTLY, and you hope they're cotton underwear because there is something about a having a hooty-hoo that makes you crave a nice cotton lining. Well, that's not today's underwear misadventure, because that's amateur stuff compared to what did happen. As I was pulling up my underwear, the side seam SNAPPED. Completely. I BROKE MY UNDERWEAR. Not because I have the strength of a hunchback who has the strength of ten bears, in my defense, but because cussing Victoria's cussing Secret seriously just decided to like hot glue the seams on these underwear so that they would be "seamless" or something.
I broke my underwear.
So I'm sitting there, in the handicapped stall because all the other stalls were taken, with one loose half of my underwear in one hand and the other loose half of my underwear in the other hand, thinking, "What? I broke my underwear! This did not just happen to me and my favorite lime green underwear! Can you just put your pants back on over broken underwear and hope they stay up? What the cuss! Why didn't I bring my little stapler with me? How am I going to get home with broken underwear, and more importantly, how am I going to then wear underwear that doesn't match my bra? " And you know what I did? I Jem and the Holgramsed those motherfucking underpants. I tied the floppy sides together, and you can just slap my ass and call me Pizzazz! It's really uncomfortable and now the underwear is not only broken and tied together, but seriously it is up my butt because I tied the everliving crap out of the knot. Because the only thing worse than breaking your underwear in the bathroom is your underwear breaking under your pants while you're walking to get a Coke.
The sad thing is, my dreaming post-Effexor are much more normal than they used to be. When I got attacked by a cougar the other night and then a giant cave bear-sized black bear also attacked me at the same time (third time I'd been attacked by a black bear in a month, apparently) and then some crazy old coot blowed up the giant black bear, that wasn't really too weird. (I don't recommend blowing up black bears, though, because nothing attracts other black bears than the remains of a blowed up one, and you KNOW you're not going to clean that shit up afterward.)
Not making my credit card payments
My teeth falling out, any or all
Losing my job
Losing loved ones
My dog having seizures
My asthma getting worse
Things that go bump in the night, or sometimes in the day
The monster under my bed or in my closets
My teeth falling out, any or all
People liking me
Anyway. I am not only awesomely knitting and awesomeyl crocheting, I am extra awesomely indoorly gardening! Haven't a clue what to do with the seeds, though. IThree rhubarbs is about all I have room for right now.
Vintage '20s wrap (wearability status: lumpen; use only when unwilling to turn up thermostat)
Bullshit scarves:16 (some of these were unfinished projects ascending to Completed Heaven)
Gator scarf (from http://www.morehousefarm.com/ and their excellent Critter Knits)
Dino scarf (see above)
Flamingo scarves: 2 (see above above)
Calorimetry head scarf (http://www.knitty.com/ISSUEwinter06/PA
Little cable scarf (I believe this pattern was from a Stitch N Bitch book, maybe the one for men)
Monet scarf (another Morehouse Farm jobby-do; great yarn but a bit pricey)
Jaeger sweater (some kind of random pattern I bought somewhere)
Socks! Socks! Socks!: 2 (I'm really geeked about knitting socks on 5 dpns right now)
Dishcloths: 2 (where else? Mason-Dixon Knitting!)
Plain watch cap to match one of the bullshit scarves
V-stitch blankets: 4
Chemo hats: 2 (bonus awesome points awarded for shaving my head for the duration of the recipient's chemo)
V-stitch baby blankets: 2 (babies love this pattern, as it helps them find their fingers and toes)
Bullshit scarves: 4 (made with a mesh stitch; light and not extra warm but compulsively fun as fuck to make)
Skull potholders: 4 (Stitch N Bitch crochet book)
Pretty ding-dang productive, if I do say so myself! This year's incomplete totals are as follows:
Bullshit scarves: 4
Cardigan (From The Chicks W/Sticks Crochet Guide; wearability status: fat, haven't even bothered to weave in ends yet)
V-stitch baby blankets : 2
Skull potholders: 2
Belinda shawl (Mason-Dixon 2: The Masoning-Dixoning)
Vintage '20s wrap in Chewbacca
Bullshit knit scarf (always keep one handy for watching subtitled movies)
Socks (always keep one handy for doctor's appointments)
V-stitch baby blanket (also handy for subitiled movies or Deadliest Catch, now, that I think about it)
I am clearly awesome. I would like to make the cool luchadore masks from Stitch N Bitch Menfolks, but unfortunately I don't know any men of sufficient awesomeness. So... more socks, I guess, because those never get tired. I'd also like to get a couple more cardigans in this year, but that will probably have to wait until summer when I'm off work (paid summers off are the upside of working at a community college; being paid like a Hebrew slave is the downside).
I should be seething with the furious furiousness of a thousand furious rhinocerouses, but instead I'm feeling pretty Goddamn calm. Effexor XR, you are my best friend! And also you kind of sound like you might be wearing a supervillain costume, and that is somewhat awesome too.
The patterns is from Stitch 'N' Bitch Crochet Whatever, which is is written a little too twee and hipper-than-thou, like all the Stitching and Bitching books, but is also one of my most-used references, like all the Stitching and Bitching books. The writing is steeped in smug douchebaggery, but the material and patterns are solid. (Sorry, Debbie, but you really come across as a lady douchebag the way you write.) I think the title of the crochet book is Happy Hookers? Oh, how clever. See, because you use what is called a crochet "hook", and then it is a pun on prostitution, because we are EDGY and oh so very naughty! Because obviously if you're just regular crocheting without any sense of smugness or irony or naughty edginess, you must be a loser. What is that you're working on there, a ripple afghan? Still, kick-ass potholders.